Boulder is a Black Hole of Turkey Sandwiches

I scored some free tickets to the Mizzou @ Colorado basketball game today.  This was perfect timing because I’ve been meaning to head up to Boulder and check out their Turkey Sandwich scene for quite some time.  I’ve already documented Fort Collins’ great sandwich scene on this here blog, but I haven’t had a chance to hit Boulder up quite yet.

After the game, my Turkey Sandwich Radar pointed me to the famous Pearl Street Mall.  Rule of thumb: hippies, street performers and street kids always congregate near sandwich shops.

Except in a town called Boulder, CO.  I walked up and down the Pearl Street Mall and couldn’t find shit.  I walked in a few places that seemed like a good choice and they completely let me down:

  • West End Tavern – No Turkey Sandwich on the menu
  • Lindsay’s Boulder Deli – Based on the amount of Haagen-Dazs shit hanging on the window, it seemed like they take Ice Cream more serious than sandwiches.  Rejected.
  • Lolita’s Deli – Couldn’t find it.

So I gave up on finding a decent Turkey Sandwich and ended up at the Twisted Pine Brewery for a sampler flight.  Lo and behold they offer a Turkey Sandwich on the menu.

Twisted Pine Turkey Sandwich

Just a simple, processed-Turkey-between-two-slices-of-bread-sandwich.  But that’s ok.  Twisted Pine brews beer, they don’t claim to have the best sandwiches.

The lesson here: if you’re looking for a sandwich in Cololrado, stick to Denver or Fort Collins.

Smiling Moose Deli Rolls Out the Red Carpet for the Turkey Sandwich Report

Being a Turkey Sandwich “insider” has its perks.  For example, on a fairly regular basis, I’m invited to power lunches with some of the movers and shakers of the sandwich and/or deli industry.  This past week, the guys at Smiling Moose Deli, invited me to stop by their Colorado Blvd store for a few sandwiches and a chat.

Big props to these guys – they know how to treat a VIP such as yours truly.  First of all, they had a rock start parking space waiting for me – which is a big deal at this location.  (take note of the silver Camry on the right)

Secondly, the brought out not one, not two, but THREE Turkey Sandwiches for me to sample.

Overall, it was a great meeting with Kevin and Kevin at Smiling Moose.  Here’s what I learned:

1. The quality of Turkey is predicated on how many Turkey parts are used in making the meat.  Smiling Moose uses three part Turkey whereas some of those OTHER sandwich chains use 8 or 9 part Turkey.  That sounds disgusting.

2. Smiling Moose has a Turkey Philly Cheesesteak and it’s pretty damn tasty.

3. Turkey Sandwiches make up 70% of sales at deli/sandwich shops.  That’s a big number, but a guy who owns a chain of sandwich shops told me this, so I know it’s true.

Here’s my part of my chat with Kevin and Kevin from Smiling Moose Deli.

The Turkey Sandwiches of Fremont

I’m still sorting through all of the information that I gathered from my trip to Fremont yesterday as I try to decide what neighborhood really should be dubbed “Seattle’s Sandwich District”.  No decisions yet, but here’s a look at the two sandwiches I ate:

Roxy’s Turkey Chipotle:
Roxy's Turkey Chipotle

Turkey Bacon Avocado (86 the Avocado) from Homegrown:
Homegrown Turkey Sandwich

Sometimes, you gotta go with the shit you know.

My quest for  Turkey Sandwiches led me to an extremely tough decision yesterday and I think this is a lesson that everyone can learn from.

While strolling through the “U district” in Seattle yesterday, I became hungry and in need of a Turkey Sandwich.  There were plenty of options including some of the usual suspects like Jimmy John’s and Quizno’s.  But I can eat their shit any day of the week.  I wanted something different.  I could have easily picked up a sandwich at Big Time Brewery where I drank  four beers.  I could have stopped in to Norm’s to see what they had on the menu.

I also could have tried a place called Davinci Subs.  I was hungry and this was a big decision.  In fact, I was so hungry that I could not afford to waste my time and money on a shitty sandwich.  For 20 minutes, I paced in front of Davinci Subs waiting for some kind of sign to give me the go-ahead to walk in and order a Turkey Sandwich.  It never happened.  I never got that sign.

So I walked across the street and went to Which Wich.

Which Wich Seattle

And you know what?  I enjoyed the shit out of that Pastrami Turkey Sandwich.

I realize that I have a certain responsibility to you, the readers of the Turkey Sandwich Report.  I know that it’s my job to get out there and explore new and exotic Turkey Sandwiches.  But yesterday it was about “ME” and I ordered that Turkey Sandwich for ME.

You might be asking “What’s the lesson here?  The lesson is that this blog isn’t all about you.  It’s about me and my Turkey Sandwiches.  And sometimes I’m not in the mood to eat a shitty Turkey Sandwich so you can read something new on your lunch break.  That’s all.  If you don’t like it, go find a different Turkey Sandwich blog.  I dare you.

RIP Half Eaten Turkey Sandwich

I committed what I consider to be a pretty big sin yesterday.  I left a perfectly good half of a Turkey Sandwich uneaten.  I ordered a whole “Crazy Spicy” from the NYC Deli (in Seattle) and left the second half for a little afternoon treat.  I broke the Cardinal Rule by not putting it in the refrigerator and that came back to bite me in the ass.

When I came back the next morning there was the second half of the Turkey Sandwich.  Dead.  Unedible.  Here’s a photo before it passed away:

Half of a Crazy Spicy

Wasn’t it a beautiful Turkey Sandwich?  I’m not gonna sit here and tell you that it was the perfect sandwich or anything, but was a good sandwich… that cared about people.  And now it’s gone.  This particular Crazy Spicy Sandwich has a nice combination of Boar’s Head Cajun Turkey, green peppers, pepperoncini peppers and Cajun mayo.

This little guy was a fighter.  He fought to the end, and I’ll always remember him for that.  He’s in Turkey Sandwich Heaven now.

The Biggest Turkey Sandwich Letdown of All-Time

For the last couple weeks, I’ve been talking up the Turkey Sandwiches from the QFC Deli.  For those of you not in the Northwest, QFC stands for “Quality Food Centers” and most of the stores have a nice little deli featuring Boar’s Head meats and cheeses along with some REAL Turkey breast slices.  I visit a lot of grocery stores for my full-time job and QFC has been a reliable source of Turkey Sandwich pick-me-ups.

Until today.

To order a sandwich from the QFC deli, you fill out a sheet of paper and tell them exactly what you want (a la Which Wich).  In the past, I’ve had really good luck matching up Boar’s Head Pastrami-seasoned Turkey with a nice Deli Mustard, so that’s what I went with today.  But here’s what I got:

Does this look like Deli Mustard?

Does this look like DELI MUSTARD? NO, because it is fucking YELLOW MUSTARD.  The problem with mustard is that once it’s on the sandwich, it’s on the sandwich.  At least with Mayo you can scrape it off and get rid of most of it.  Not with Yellow Mustard.

On top of that, the Whole Wheat Ciabatta sucked too.

The lesson learned here: It’s better to be the asshole who asks to see the mustard before it’s applied to the sandwich rather than the asshole who says “that’s the wrong mustard!” after it’s already hit the bread and they have to start over.  But whatever you do, don’t be the dipshit that I was today and just accept their mustard and hope that it’s going to turn out.

Turkey Sandwich Report Featured on Alltop

The rumors have been swirling for months and today I can confirm:  Yes, it is true, the Turkey Sandwich Report has been selected to be featured on

All of the interweb dorks out there know that Alltop is a collection of the best blogs in the world, sorted by category.  They say it is like an “online magazine rack”.  Good enough, I’ll buy that description.

Strangely enough, TSR is featured in the “Humor” section.  I guess they threw us in there because we would have absolutely OWNED the Turkey Sandwich section.  That and the fact that there isn’t a Turkey and/or Sandwich section on Alltop.

Turkey Sandwich Report on Alltop

But, I want to make this crystal clear: Just because we are listed in the “HUMOR” section doesn’t mean that we take this shit lightly.  The Turkey Sandwich Report isn’t here to amuse you.  We’re not you’re little “monkey blog” here to make you laugh.  If you come here looking for a laugh, go get your jollies somewhere else.  This is 100% SERIOUS TURKEY SANDWICH TALK.

You don’t like it? Go fuck yourself.

Apparently, This is a Turkey Sandwich in California

Take a look at this abomination.  This is what they call a Turkey Sandwich in LA.

Kentucky Brown Turkey Sandwich

I know LA is all fancy and shit, and I’m just a kid from Southern Illinois, but this ridiculous.  I should have known I was in trouble from the start when we valet parked to eat this placed – which was called Grand Lux and run by the same people that own Cheesecake Factory.

The sandwich was called a “Kentucky Brown,” and believe it or not, that yellow shit is cheese and there is some Turkey and bread underneath there.  I’ll give them some props for using real Turkey – but if this is a Turkey Sandwich, then I’m Mario Lopez.

Denver Egotist: Get Off My Turf

Twice.  Count ’em, TWICE today, The Denver Egotist reported on sandwich shops launching new websites.

The first was on Jimmy John’s launching their new website:
Denver Egotist Jimmy Johns

The second was The Corner Bakery’s new website:

Denver Egotist Corner Bakery

Um, excuse me, but this is MY domain.  Do yourself and everyone else a favor and leave the sandwich reporting to the professionals – which is me.

Turkey Sandwich Report and Cheeba Hut Brass to Meet

A date has been set.  The higher-ups from The Turkey Sandwich Report and Cheeba Hut will meet at an undisclosed location at an undisclosed time and on an undisclosed date.

Why all of the un-disclosure?  Because we don’t want you assholes getting in the way and fucking this up.  This is important shit and we have business to discuss.  All I can tell you for now is that it’s going to happen soon.

On the meeting agenda:

  • I’m going to recommend a special Turkey Sandwich to be added to their menu.
  • We’re going to have a Turkey Sandwich.
  • We’re going to have a “safety” meeting.

After the meeting has taken place, I will report back to everyone on what decisions were made.