America’s Best Grocery Stores… For Turkey

Shame on me.  I’ve spent most of my time here on the Turkey Sandwich Report talking about what we call in the business, “the on-premise,” also known as restaurants.  It’s high time we talk about the “off-premise,” or what common folk call “grocery stores.”

Grocery stores or delis are important.  This is the lifeblood of homemade Turkey Sandwiches.  If they’re slinging out shitty Turkey, you’re going to have a shitty Turkey Sandwich.  Simple as that.  Let’s get to it:

Schnuck’s – I grew up with Schnuck’s.  My first job was at a Schnuck’s in Fairview Heights, IL.  I like Schnuck’s.  They have a Smoked Turkey Breast that my Mom still buys every time I visit.  It’s best served with Hot Pepper Cheese and BBQ Sauce.  Turkey Sandwich Report Rating: 91

(By the way, all of you St. Louis people that are asking, “What about Dierberg’s?” here is my answer: I don’t shop at Dierberg’s.  When I lived there, they were a small-time, two-bit operation.  When I visit now, I go to Schnuck’s. Fuck Dierberg’s.)

Delfarm – Unless you’ve spent any amount of time in Cape Girardeau, MO, you don’t know Delfarm.  I went to college in Cape and Delfarm was the ghetto grocery store down by Don’s Store 24, on the way over to the Crackle.  I think people got shot there on a pretty regular basis.  To be honest, my college years are a bit of a blur and I really don’t remember much about Delfarm either.  I just know they had shitty Turkey and that it was actually a National store, but the old people bitched when National bought out the locally owned Delfarm, so National changed the name back to make the old fucks happy.  Turkey Sandwich Report Rating: 79

HEB – For those of you that live in Texas, you know HEB.  Why? Because HEB OWNS Texas.  Everyone shops at HEB unless you’re one of those assholes in Austin that shops at Randall’s.  If you shop at Randall’s, you’re an outcast and not allowed to have air-conditioning.  When it comes to Turkey selection, HEB rocks the casa becuase they carry Boar’s Head deli meats, including one of my favorites – Salsalito.  Turkey Sandwich Report Rating: 93

Albertson’s – Let’s face it: as evidenced by this crazy pricing, Albertson’s blows. Enough said.  Tutkey Sandwich Report Rating: 83
The Price of Turkey at Albertson's

Safeway: Safeway is anomaly. The sandwiches that they make at the deli to-go aren’t bad.  But if you buy some deli Turkey to go, you can count on it being a slimy piece of shit.

King Soopers: In a sea of shitty deli Turkey in Denver, King Sooper’s is your best option.  They have some kind of Rotisserie Turkey that’s pretty good.  It’s not awesome or anything, but it’s the best of the big grocery stores.  Turkey Sandwich Report Rating: 88

Target: Target is the new kid in town.  They’ve just ventured into the grocery and deli game in the past couple of years.  So far, I like what I see.  They have a Cranberry/Orange Turkey Breast that is better than expected.  Their prices are ok too.  Turkey Sandwich Report Rating: 90

Whole Foods: Yeah, we’re going to throw Whole Foods in the mix.  Yes, they are over-priced.  And yes, only tree-huggers shop there.  But, you gotta admit, their Turkey is pretty damn good.  It’s just too bad I’m too embarrassed to shop there.  Turkey Sandwich Report Rating: 9o

There you have it.  What are your favorite grocery stores for buying deli Turkey?

How My Dog Shitting at the Office Led to a Turkey Sandwich

One of the perks of my job is that I can take my dog (Brady) to work.  The only problem is that she only likes the actual act of going to work and leaving work.  The rest of the day, Brady seems really bored.

This past week, Brady has been a little under the weather.  The vet put her on some medicine the week before to control her allergies and it just didn’t agree with her.  Consequently, she’s been shitting and pissing way more than normal.  To put this in context, from Thursday night to Friday Morning, I had to take her outside 4 times (two of which resulted in a dump) then she took another shit before we left for work and another one when we got there.  That’s a lot of poop for a dog that weighs 17 lbs.

Then a former co-worker came in to the office to pass out some samples of a new soda brand he is working on and he stepped in a pile of Brady shit – tracking it straight to my desk.

This forced me to make a trip to Safeway for some paper towels, cleaning spray, air freshener and carpet deodorizer – and a Turkey Sandwich.

The nice thing about the Safeway Deli is that you can upgrade from a 6″ to a Footlong for $1 more.  I got the Smokestack and this ended up being lunch, dinner and then breakfast this morning.

As for the poop, luckily it wasn’t too runny like it had been in the past few days and it cleaned up pretty well.  To be honest, the carpet in our office is pretty disgusting anyway, so it’s not that big of a deal.

As for Brady, don’t blame her.  She’s sick and can’t control this surge in pooping.  We’re going to the vet (again) on Monday.