The Dirtiest Turkey Sandwich Blog in the World

Apparently, I have a foul mouth.  If you don’t like it, you can pick up your check on your way out the door.  Since I have the corner office here at the Turkey Sandwich Report, I can talk however the fuck I want.

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Bagels are Approved for Turkey Sandwiches

Back when I lived in St. Louis, I ate a lot of Turkey Sandwiches on bagels from Einstein’s Bagels.  I enjoyed it so much that I started buying bagels and veggie cream cheese for my home made TS’s.  It was a phase I went through.

Since that time of my life, I haven’t really thought about Bagel Turkey Sandwiches too much.  Well, shame on me for not giving Bagel Turkey Sandwiches more love here on the Turkey Sandwich Report. All of that changes today.

On my way in to work today, I stopped by Einstein’s for a breakfast bagel and went ahead and got a “Tasty Turkey” for my lunch.  Jalapeno Bagel, veggie cream cheese, lettuce, onion, no tomatoes or sprouts.  It’s a solid TS.  My only problem with it is that the bagel and cream cheese combo make for a slippery surface and the Turkey tends to slip out of the sandwich.

The thing I like most about bagels is that there are a lot of varieties.  Here are my top 5 bagels for a Turkey Sandwich:

  1. Everything Bagel
  2. Jalapeno
  3. Potato
  4. Asiago Cheese
  5. Wheat

Cheba Hut is Smart

I was delightfully surprised to see that a representative from Cheba Hut left a comment on the Turkey Sandwich Report a couple days ago. Not only am I impressed that Cheba Hut is in touch with what people are saying about them on the internet, but I am double impressed with them being smart enough to ask me to help develop a new Turkey Sandwich.

Yes, you read that right. Cheba Hut has asked me to help develop a new Turkey Sandwich. I have responded to the Cheba Hut executives and told them that I would be interested in helping them build their Turkey Sandwich arsenal.

More to come on this as news becomes available.

An Open-faced Letter to Boston Market

Dear Boston Market:

I like you. Your Turkey is actually decent and like the fact that you have a nice selection of sides. Your sandwiches are a little on the small side for me, but we can get past that. After all, it is how you use the Turkey Sandwich, not how big it is.

But here’s the problem: your restaurants are like fucking morgues. I seriously think that the reason you have to close down another store every other day is because you attract lonely people, who eat by themselves. They go there because it’s quiet and they die a slow roasted death while they read John Grisham books. The retirement home decor and lack of background music doesn’t help either.

I stopped by a couple days ago and 6 out of the 7 people eating in there were by themselves! 6 out of 7! During the “Lunch Rush.” Wouldn’t make sense to go after people who have friends and co-workers and like to eat with them?

Boston Market, help me help you. I want to help you succeed and we can do it together. I have two offers for you:

1. I will give you my highly sought-after Turkey Sandwich marketing advice for the cost of Turkey Sandwiches for a year.

2. You can sponsor The Turkey Sandwich Report. Just think of how far that would go in re-energizing your brand? It would be huge.

Or go it on your own. I could give a shit. We’ve seen how far that can get you and there’s always another Turkey Sandwich out there for me.

Your Pal,
Neal

Oriole Pizza and Subs

Whenever I travel, I eat whenever I get the chance.  If there is food in front of me – I eat it.  Because I never know when my next meal might come.

So when Rippe bought me a sub from Oriole Pizza and Subs, I ate it.  He forgot that I don’t like tomatoes on my Turkey Sandwiches, but I picked them off and I still ate it.  And lemme tell you, it was friggin’ huge.

As for the sandwich, it was ok.  I really liked this pepper sauce they put on there.  That’s it.  Nothing really all that exciting.

Earl Sandwich Parlor Doesn’t Measure Up

I made a return trip to what I thought was called the “Earl of Sandwich” yesterday.  But for some reason, it is now called “Earl Sandwich Parlor”.  Hmmm.

I went with a sandwich called “The Ogden” which I think is what I got last time – but I couldn’t remember.  And that’s exactly the problem – this sandwich wasn’t very memorable either.  Downright boring, in fact.

The other weird thing about this place is that the guy on the cover of their menu is very homo-erotic.  Not there is anything wrong with that.

So bottom line – I am in a Turkey Sandwich slump.  Ever since I got sick last week, I just have not had my normal uber craving for a TS.  I’m hoping this comes to an end today as I am on my way to St. Louis and looking forward to some old favorites – namely the Turkey and Swiss from P’sgetti’s.  That seems like the cure from boring Turkey Sandwiches like this piece of crap I got at Earl Sandwich Parlor.

But, Earl Sandwich does have these little cheesecakes though and they are mighty tasty.  Maybe it should be Earl Cheesecake Parlor?  Or Earl Quiche Parlor?  Not that there is anything wrong with that.

I Don’t (and Won’t) Watch the Food Network

A couple days ago, I got voicemail message from a loyal reader of The Turkey Sandwich Report.  In this message he told me about the Bobby Flay Show and how he was talking to some guys in Louisville about these Turkey Sandwiches called “Browns.”  This guy was really excited about this and wanted me to check this shit out.

Let me be clear: I don’t watch the Food Network, nor do I have any fucking idea what number it is on my cable.  Not in my repertoire.

It’s great that Turkey Sandwiches got some respect on this channel, but I sure as shit ain’t gonna sit thru hours of watching Emeril cook Gnocchi Fondue, Baby Turnip Strumpets or Oven Roasted Chilean Sea Bass on a bed of Jasmine Rice topped with Saffron Creamed Spinach just to see how some fucking clowns in Kentucky make a Turkey Sandwich.  Not happening.

And I know some of you haters out there might be saying, “Well, if this is the Turkey Sandwich Report, shouldn’t you be interested in anything that has to do with Turkey Sandwiches?”

The answer is “No, I do have a life outside of this blog.  I have better things to do than watch the Food Network.  Plus, I’m not gay.”

The Turkey Sandwich Report Hits the Road

Breaking News:  2008 is going to be a year of travel for the The Turkey Sandwich Report.  I will be giving you more Turkey Sandwich reviews from airports, truck-stops and convenience stores.  More Turkey Sandwich reviews from cafes, bistros and sandwich shops.  More Turkey Sandwiches than ever before.

First Stop: Frederick, MD.  There’s a nice little Boar’s Head deli in Downtown Frederick and I plan on going there this week.  I’ve actually been there before, but I have not reviewed on TSR.

Second Stop: St. Louis, MO for Soulard Mardi Gras.  I will be there for the Saturday Parade and will have a Cajun Turkey Sandwich with me.  I will also be making a stop by P’sghetti’s in South County to enjoy their delicious Turkey and Swiss.

If anyone would like to have a Turkey Sandwich with me while I am in town, leave a comment here and I’ll get in touch.

The Turkey Sandwich Summit

How big of a deal in the world of Turkey Sandwiches am I?  Such a big deal that when I request the presence of a certain hot shot owner of a chain of sandwich shots at a meeting, I get it.  I also order off the menu.

Today, I spoke with Jeff Sinelli, who is the Founder of Which Wich.  I wanted to speak with him because we will both be speaking at the upcoming Word of Mouth Marketing Association Summit in Vegas.  I wanted to see if Jeff would be interested in getting a beer and a Turkey Sandwich and talk some shop.  He’s on a tight schedule as any sandwich entrepreneur would be, but he’s going to carve out some time for me.

I’m calling this meeting “The Turkey Sandwich Summit”.  It’s kind of like Reagan/Gorbachev in ’86 – two world powers getting together and discussing important stuff.

More details to come, but needless to say – this summit is going to shape how Turkey Sandwiches are prepared and eaten for years to come.

BTW, I did have a Turkey Sandwich from Which Wich today.  I went with the “Thank You Turkey.  Nice sandwich.  One side had a little too much cranberry and they forgot my lettuce,  but overall, a solid Turkey Sandwich.

A Visit to the Doctor

Mrs. Turkey Sandwich can be a real bitch sometimes.  She had the nerve to schedule me for a physical last week.  I had to go get my balls jiggled and get some blood drawn.  I hate this.

I find out a day later that I have high cholesterol.  THEN, later in the day, Mrs. Turkey Sandwich tells me that Turkey Sandwiches are high in cholesterol.

What!?  Turkey Sandwiches are high in cholesterol?!  What am I supposed to eat? Vegetables?  Fuck that.

If I am going to die from Turkey Sandwiches, then so be it.  I’m going down in a blaze of glory.