Subway Cheats Like Snarf’s

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I made a big fucking deal out of Snarf’s ripping people off a couple years ago.  I still don’t give those cheating motherfuckers any of my Turkey Sandwich business.

Now, you can add Subway to the list of cheaters.  They’re ripping people out of one inch on their sandwiches too.  Link to story here. 1 inch is a lot.  Would you want to walk away from 1 inch?  I certainly wouldn’t.

Sing it with me: 5 dollar 11 incher!

Pieces of shit.  Both of them.

I give up: Whole Foods Can’t Make a Decent Sandwich

I’ve tried grilled sandwiches. I’ve tried, toasted sandwiches. I’ve tried club sandwiches. I’ve tried sandwiches on the menu and created ones on my own. I’ve tried different toppings on my sandwiches and none of them work. For some reason, the sandwiches at Whole Foods suck.

Honestly, I can’t even diagnose the problem. Whole Foods seems to use good ingredients, but no matter what combination I go with, every sandwich I get from the sandwich counter at Whole Foods absolutely sucks.

Take this sandwich for example: Since I’ve had no luck with straight up Turkey Sandwiches in the past, I went with Turkey and Ham. I also went with toasted bread and sun-dried tomatoes. All I can say is that this sandwich sucked. Too greasy (from the sun-dried tomatoes) and the the Turkey/Ham was really bland. I couldn’t even keep the fucking thing together, as you can tell.  A shitty Turkey Sandwich all the way around.

But here’s my dilemma: I’m one “punch” away from filling out my “Lunch Club” card and it’s only good with sandwiches and burritos. Sure, I could get one more Burrito and then a free one to go with it. But i’m a Sandwich Guy and their burritos suck too.

Pioneer Square vs. Freemont: Sandwich Fight!

There’s some shit going down in the world of Sandwiches out here in the Great Northwest.  The Stranger, Seattle’s alt-weekly newspaper, has dubbed Pioneer Square as Seattle’s “Sandwich District”.  They stake this claim on the presence of Tat’s, Salumi and the new Delicatus all being within walking distance of each other in the southern tip of Downtown Seattle.  I’ve been to all three of sandwich joints and all are good (although it should be disclosed that Salumi does not serve a TURKEY Sandwich) and of them serve a different need.

  • Salumi’s is owned by Mario Batali’s Dad and they’re all about cured meats.  They typically have a line out the door by 11:30am.  I had a Pancetta sandwich there a couple weeks ago and it was amazing.
  • Tat’s is a deli, but they specialize in Cheesesteaks and gut-bomb subs.  They get bonus points for roasting their own Turkey.  I’m about three sandwiches away from filling my Tat’s frequent feeder card, if that says anything about my opinion of them.
  • Delicatus is the new player in Pioneer Square.  You might recall my post about the Mudd Honey a few weeks back.  Delicatus is probably my favorite of the Pioneer Square Group.  They have a great menu, the Turkey is amazing and I like the fact that they also sell craft root beers.

But whoa, whoa, whoa.  What about Freemont?  The Homegrown Sandwich Shop isn’t willing to let Pioneer Square get away with this so easily. The claim that along with their own sandwiches, Passeo, Baguette Box, Royal Grinders and Roxy’s all put up a formidable Freemont challenge to Pioneer Square’s sandwich contenders.

This is a big deal and needs to be settled by a professional.  Don’t worry, The Turkey Sandwich Report is going to play Judge Wapner and settle this dispute between neighborhoods.  We will embed ourselves in both sandwich scenes and declare a winner.  In fact, I’m on my way out the door right now and catching the first bus to Freemont.  We’ll have a answer before the end of the week.

Matt Bonner has a Sandwich Blog

I used to live in San Antonio, TX.  I like to call it “The Tone”.  The San Antonio Spurs are the only game in town down there in South Texas so you can’t avoid being exposed to at least 3 hours of Spurs conversations or TV coverage per day.  So believe me, I know me some Spurs.

Today, someone on Twitter forwarded me a link to Spur player, Matt Bonner’s “Sandwich Hunter” blog.  Obviously a takeoff on The Turkey Sandwich Report.

Matt Bonner, The Sandwich Hunter

Sure, I could get pissy about this and rip on him for obviously copying my blog idea, but I’m not going to do that.  Nope.  I’m going to welcome the competition.  In fact, I have already extended the Olive Branch to Matt Bonner and requested an interview to be featured right here on The Turkey Sandwich Report.

Here’s how I look at it: We both love sandwiches, so why can’t we be friends.  Plus, it gives me an opportunity to have an NBA player admit he copied me.  Stay tuned, Sportsfans.  I promise that if I get to interview Matt Bonner, I will not let him off like Charles Barkley at a Vegas Buffet.  He will get tough, hard-hitting sandwich questions.

My Opinion on Jimmy John’s

Bootlegger Club from Jimmy John's

I’ve always been kind of undecided on Jimmy John’s.  Aside from the fact that their Downtown Denver location is complete pain in the ass to get to, their menu is a bit on the boring side.  None of their sandwiches really jump out at me.  But I like their turkey and I like their bread.

But this is the Turkey Sandwich report and no one comes to this blog to get polyanna Turkey Sandwich opinions.  So it’s high time, I give you the low down on Jimmy John’s.  Ratings are based on a five point scale.

Bread – 3 – They would get a 4, but they don’t offer wheat bread for the subs, just straight white bread.  I’m not a big white bread fan, but theirs is pretty good and always tastes fresh.

Meat – 3 – It’s pretty good.  The roast beef makes for a good combo with the Turkey and I think their ham is applewood smoked.  That’s solid.

Service – 2 – Here’s my main issue with Jimmy John’s.  They make their sandwiches REALLY fast.  When you order, you BETTER know EXACTLY what you want right when you order.  If you forget to mention “no tomatoes” right off the bat, it’s too late.  They’re already on there.   On top of that, the two dudes working there tonight looked like they were baking more than bread in the back.

Selection – 2 – Every time I go into Jimmy John’s I stare at their menu for 10 minutes before I can figure out what I want.  And the “plain slims” don’t make any sense to me.  Why can’t I get some lettuce thrown on there?

Overall, I give Jimmy John’s a solid 2.5 out of 5.  How’s that for a definitive opinion?

You Can’t Teach Cheese

One thing that I have not discussed very much here on the Turkey Sandwich Report is CHEESE SELECTION. The Cheese that you choose to put on your Turkey Sandwich is important.  Really fucking important.

I’m not here to teach you how to choose cheese.  Like they say in sports, “You can’t teach speed.”  Well, you can’t teach Cheese either.  You either intuitively know cheese or you don’t.  It’s as simple as that.

Myself, I know cheese.  For example I was daring enough to go with the Buffalo Blue Cheese for this delicious Grilled Turkey and Cheese from Chedd’s.  It was a bold move, but it worked.


I also know when to go with a white cheese vs. a yellow/orange cheese.  When to go with something with spices vs. something more traditional.

But here is my offer: if anyone needs some cheese consulting, I’m here for you.  Just give me the details of your sandwich and what cheeses are available and I’ll give you my take.  Free of charge.  How can you beat that?

Toast the Damn Sandwich!

There is an epidemic that is sweeping the Sandwich industry.  We’ve already had one casualty in Quizno’s and we’re in the process of losing another one in Schlotzsky’s.

But WE are the victims here.  And the worst part – it doesn’t need to happen.

Here’s the issue: Our sandwiches are being toasted less and less. The last two days, I’ve had a Turkey Sandwich from Schlotzsky’s or Quizno’s.  Both are obviously toasted less/faster than they were as soon as 6 months ago.  And definitely less than a couple years ago.

What’s the deal?  Does toasting the sandwich 10 fewer seconds really make them that much more efficient?  I’ll tell you what it makes them – a non factor – that’s what!

I go to Quizno’s only because they are close to my office and they have a parking lot, but their sandwiches are really a waste of time.  I go to Schlotzsky’s every once in a while because they are close to the tennis shop where I get my racquets re-strung.  The only redeeming quality of their Turkey Sandwich is the hot sauce, but that’s really just a cover-up for a bland-ass TS.

Bottom line – If you are going to pride yourself on “toasted” sandwiches, then TOAST the fucking sandwiches like you mean it!

On a separate, but related note to Quizno’s: I hate your commercials where people eat the $5.  It doesn’t make me want to eat one of your sandwiches.

The Turkey Sandwich Report’s “Adopt a Fazoli’s” Program

Have you ever seen anyone at a Fazoli’s?  Have you ever heard someone say, “Hey, I have an idea. Let’s get Fazoli’s for lunch!”

Me neither.

But Fazoli’s isn’t really all that bad.  Their Submarino Club and Smoked Turkey Panini aren’t really all that bad.  In fact, they’re better than a lot of other Turkey Sandwiches I’ve had.  Plus, I like to get a slice of their cheese pizza for the ride home (a road slice) – but that’s another subject altogether.

So I am asking you – my loyal readers of The Turkey Sandwich Report to join me in our “Adopt a Fazoli’s” program.  Participating is easy.  All you have to do is pick a Fazoli’s location and keep them in business by eating there once a week.  That’s all!  Stop by, get a Submarino and a slice of pizza.  For less than $10 a week, YOU can keep a Fazoli’s location in business.  That’s less than the cost of a cup of coffee per day.

And the best part, you’ll feel good about it.

I’m adopting the Fazoli’s at 8260 S. Quebec.  Please leave a comment and let me know which Fazoli’s you are adopting.