Back by Popular Demand

Hi everybody.  It’s been a while, but I’m back.  I was inspired to get back in the game by this big-ass, triple-decker Turkey Sandwich at Perry’s Deli in Chicago.

I’ve blogged about Perry’s before.  You might remember that they’re not totally clear about their hours of operation.  They also don’t want people talking on their phone while on the premises.  You dare to do that and they’ll sound the alarm.  They mean serious business at Perry’s.

They also mean business when it comes to sandwiches.  I tell no lie when I say that they pile on a handful of Turkey on their Turkey Sandwiches.  Same goes for the bacon – that’s a handful too.  We all know that anything more than a handful, you risk spraining a tongue.

By the way, Perry’s does indeed use REAL TURKEY.

The downside of a gigantic sandwich is that the result can often times be ugly.  This was no different.  You can tell I went to war with this sandwich and I’m not sure who won.  You be the judge.

What’s missing in this photo?

Turkey plate, originally uploaded by nealdstewart.

I stopped by Boston Market on my way home from getting my haircut this afternoon. Yes, Boston Market is still in business.

I went a little outside of my comfort zone and ordered the Turkey Platter instead of a Turkey Sandwich. Huge mistake. Unless it’s Thanksgiving, eating Turkey and gravy sans bread is boring.

But don’t worry. I rallied at the last second and toasted a couple slices of bread, busted out the cheese and transformed that boring ass Turkey Platter into a respectable Turkey Sandwich.

The lessons of the day:
1. Bread matters.
2. So does cheese.
3. Respect sandwiches.

The Biggest Turkey Sandwich Letdown of All-Time

For the last couple weeks, I’ve been talking up the Turkey Sandwiches from the QFC Deli.  For those of you not in the Northwest, QFC stands for “Quality Food Centers” and most of the stores have a nice little deli featuring Boar’s Head meats and cheeses along with some REAL Turkey breast slices.  I visit a lot of grocery stores for my full-time job and QFC has been a reliable source of Turkey Sandwich pick-me-ups.

Until today.

To order a sandwich from the QFC deli, you fill out a sheet of paper and tell them exactly what you want (a la Which Wich).  In the past, I’ve had really good luck matching up Boar’s Head Pastrami-seasoned Turkey with a nice Deli Mustard, so that’s what I went with today.  But here’s what I got:

Does this look like Deli Mustard?

Does this look like DELI MUSTARD? NO, because it is fucking YELLOW MUSTARD.  The problem with mustard is that once it’s on the sandwich, it’s on the sandwich.  At least with Mayo you can scrape it off and get rid of most of it.  Not with Yellow Mustard.

On top of that, the Whole Wheat Ciabatta sucked too.

The lesson learned here: It’s better to be the asshole who asks to see the mustard before it’s applied to the sandwich rather than the asshole who says “that’s the wrong mustard!” after it’s already hit the bread and they have to start over.  But whatever you do, don’t be the dipshit that I was today and just accept their mustard and hope that it’s going to turn out.

Where’s the Turkey, Shari?

Earlier this week I was driving from Portland to Seattle and the traffic on I-5 near Olympia was a real bitch.  Instead of sitting there in traffic and getting all pissed off, I decided to pull off the freeway and soothe myself with a Turkey Sandwich.

The first eating spot I came upon was Shari’s.  It looked like actively Shari’s targets old fuckers, and being that I was sick of all the hipsters in Portland, it sounded like a good place to chill out.  I order their best Turkey Sandwich and I was off and running.

But take a look at this Turkey Sandwich.  See any problems?


You can’t fool me Shari.  You can baffle me with a little extra gravy?  You can impress me with your cranberry sauce.  And you can’t perplex me with those little onion rings on top.  Nope, I immediately noticed that your Turkey Sandwich is lacking TURKEY!  Just look at this sandwich – you can see that they they go pretty light on the Turkey.

Don’t fuck with me Shari.  I know Turkey Sandwiches and I know this one is lacking Turkey.  WHERE’S THE TURKEY!?

Which Wich is Back in the Game

Which Wich Turkey Sandwich, originally uploaded by nealdstewart.

I’ve had a roller coaster relationship with Which Wich:

FIRST: I had my first Which Wich in Austin, TX about two years ago. I loved it, mostly because of all the choices of how to build my perfect Turkey Sandwich.

THEN: I started talking up Which Wich to anyone who would listen. Friends, co-workers, my family and to you my Turkey Sandwich Report readers. Which Wich was big shit IMHO at that time.

THEN: Mrs. Turkey Sandwich pointed out that Which Wich’s Turkey kind of sucked. She was right. I’m ok with processed Turkey, but this shit was uber-processed and I couldn’t get past it. No more Which Wich for the the Father of the Turkey Sandwich.

THEN: Jeff Sinelli, the Founder of Which Wich told me that the Turkey was going to change and that was good.

NOW: They finally changed the Turkey, but more importantly – they also offer Turkey Pastrami – and it’s good shit.

My Turkey Sandwich there yesterday was pretty damn good. Here’s what I put on it:

MEAT CHOICE: Turkey Pastramo
BREAD: Wheat
CHEESE: Pepper Jack
VEGGIES: Lettuce, Pepperoncini, Bell Peppers,
OILS & SPICES: Oregano, Salt, Pepper

Take it from a professional and get this sandwich next time you’re at Which Wich. And don’t get cocky and think that you can change one ingredient/topping here or there. You’re not as experienced as me and you need to do it exactly as I do.

You May Now Have a Quizno’s Torpedo

I have been traveling out on the East Coast over the last few weeks and my Turkey Sandwich options have been limited.  I don’t do Subway, so Quizno’s has turned out to be the next best thing.

You’ve probably been seeing their TV commercials for their $4 Torpedo and wondering when I am going to weigh in on this concept.  Well, I am here to clear the air and let you know if you can eat a Torpedo.

The answer is: yes.

Quizno’s Torpedo is actually pretty good.  I like the bread better than their regular sandwiches and at $4 they’re a pretty good deal.  My only advice is to tell them to run it thru the toaster twice.  My sources tell me that Quizno’s has shortened their toasting time considerably over the last few years so that they can pump the sandwiches out faster.  Tell them to toast it twice and to keep their mouth shut.

My Opinion on Jimmy John’s

Bootlegger Club from Jimmy John's

I’ve always been kind of undecided on Jimmy John’s.  Aside from the fact that their Downtown Denver location is complete pain in the ass to get to, their menu is a bit on the boring side.  None of their sandwiches really jump out at me.  But I like their turkey and I like their bread.

But this is the Turkey Sandwich report and no one comes to this blog to get polyanna Turkey Sandwich opinions.  So it’s high time, I give you the low down on Jimmy John’s.  Ratings are based on a five point scale.

Bread – 3 – They would get a 4, but they don’t offer wheat bread for the subs, just straight white bread.  I’m not a big white bread fan, but theirs is pretty good and always tastes fresh.

Meat – 3 – It’s pretty good.  The roast beef makes for a good combo with the Turkey and I think their ham is applewood smoked.  That’s solid.

Service – 2 – Here’s my main issue with Jimmy John’s.  They make their sandwiches REALLY fast.  When you order, you BETTER know EXACTLY what you want right when you order.  If you forget to mention “no tomatoes” right off the bat, it’s too late.  They’re already on there.   On top of that, the two dudes working there tonight looked like they were baking more than bread in the back.

Selection – 2 – Every time I go into Jimmy John’s I stare at their menu for 10 minutes before I can figure out what I want.  And the “plain slims” don’t make any sense to me.  Why can’t I get some lettuce thrown on there?

Overall, I give Jimmy John’s a solid 2.5 out of 5.  How’s that for a definitive opinion?