The Biggest Turkey Sandwich Letdown of All-Time

For the last couple weeks, I’ve been talking up the Turkey Sandwiches from the QFC Deli.  For those of you not in the Northwest, QFC stands for “Quality Food Centers” and most of the stores have a nice little deli featuring Boar’s Head meats and cheeses along with some REAL Turkey breast slices.  I visit a lot of grocery stores for my full-time job and QFC has been a reliable source of Turkey Sandwich pick-me-ups.

Until today.

To order a sandwich from the QFC deli, you fill out a sheet of paper and tell them exactly what you want (a la Which Wich).  In the past, I’ve had really good luck matching up Boar’s Head Pastrami-seasoned Turkey with a nice Deli Mustard, so that’s what I went with today.  But here’s what I got:

Does this look like Deli Mustard?

Does this look like DELI MUSTARD? NO, because it is fucking YELLOW MUSTARD.  The problem with mustard is that once it’s on the sandwich, it’s on the sandwich.  At least with Mayo you can scrape it off and get rid of most of it.  Not with Yellow Mustard.

On top of that, the Whole Wheat Ciabatta sucked too.

The lesson learned here: It’s better to be the asshole who asks to see the mustard before it’s applied to the sandwich rather than the asshole who says “that’s the wrong mustard!” after it’s already hit the bread and they have to start over.  But whatever you do, don’t be the dipshit that I was today and just accept their mustard and hope that it’s going to turn out.

Toasting is an OPT IN

Here’s the deal folks: if a sandwich shop owns a toaster, they owe it to their customers to ask them if they want their bread toasted.  As the customer, it’s not my job to know whether you have a toaster sitting back there.  It’s your job to enlighten me on all of my sandwich options.

In other words, toasting is an “OPT IN” not an “OPT OUT”.

I was all geared up to have a nice Turkey on Dark Rye from Beba’s in Seattle earlier this week.  It would have been an even better Turkey on Dark Rye if the fucking thing was toasted.  But no.  She was slopping on the deli mustard before I even had a chance to realize the toaster.  And we all know the famous saying when it comes to condiments on bread:

Once spread hits the bread, you can put that sandwich to bed!

So I was stuck with a mushy old sandwich that I purposely ate as fast as I could so I didn’t have to suffer through it.  Attention sandwich people everywhere: Toasting is an OPT IN.

The Great Mustard Hoax

Whole Foods lied to me today.  They LIED to me I say!

I was super excited when I saw a sandwich called “The Glendale” listed on the menu at the Colorado Blvd location.  The Glendale supposedly has peppered turkey, caramelized onions, honey mustard and mixed greens.

Bread Choice: Ciabatta

Cheese? Yes, Provolone.

Toasted? Yes.

Everything went went fine except for one very important thing.  Their mustard was much more of a yellow mustard rather than a honey mustard. Unacceptible.  Or as Mike Singeltary would say, “Can’t have it. Won’t have it.”

Yellow mustard ruins any Turkey Sandwich.  It’s like putting ketchup on steak.  It’s a faux pas.

And here is some proof of the yellowness of the mustard (click the video below).

Yellow Mustard Turkey Sandwich Video