I Pre-Party Before Thanksgiving

If you beat yourself up for dipping into the Thanksgiving goodies before Dinner is ready, you shouldn’t.  Thanksgiving is like any other big event and warrants a “pre-party”.  A warm-up to make sure the you’re race ready and ready for primetime.

Today, the day before Thanksgiving I primed my pump with a BBQ Turkey Sandwich from Whole Foods.

Now let me be clear: I’m a big fan of Whole Foods but I’ve beat them up pretty good when it comes to sandwiches.  I’m not sure what it is, but no matter what sandwich I order from their deli, it tastes like a dog’s breakfast (i.e., a bunch of ingredients that taste like they’ve been thrown together without any thought or consideration.)

Today was a different story.  In what started as a simple scouting trip to check to see if their Turkey was Thanksgiving-worthy, turned into a delicious sandwich that has put Whole Foods back on the sandwich map.

I was a simple sandwich: fresh cut Turkey, BBQ sauce, dill pickles and onions.  Really nice.

And if you’re wondering, yes, the Turkey was Thanksgiving-worthy.

I give up: Whole Foods Can’t Make a Decent Sandwich

I’ve tried grilled sandwiches. I’ve tried, toasted sandwiches. I’ve tried club sandwiches. I’ve tried sandwiches on the menu and created ones on my own. I’ve tried different toppings on my sandwiches and none of them work. For some reason, the sandwiches at Whole Foods suck.

Honestly, I can’t even diagnose the problem. Whole Foods seems to use good ingredients, but no matter what combination I go with, every sandwich I get from the sandwich counter at Whole Foods absolutely sucks.

Take this sandwich for example: Since I’ve had no luck with straight up Turkey Sandwiches in the past, I went with Turkey and Ham. I also went with toasted bread and sun-dried tomatoes. All I can say is that this sandwich sucked. Too greasy (from the sun-dried tomatoes) and the the Turkey/Ham was really bland. I couldn’t even keep the fucking thing together, as you can tell.  A shitty Turkey Sandwich all the way around.

But here’s my dilemma: I’m one “punch” away from filling out my “Lunch Club” card and it’s only good with sandwiches and burritos. Sure, I could get one more Burrito and then a free one to go with it. But i’m a Sandwich Guy and their burritos suck too.

America’s Best Grocery Stores… For Turkey

Shame on me.  I’ve spent most of my time here on the Turkey Sandwich Report talking about what we call in the business, “the on-premise,” also known as restaurants.  It’s high time we talk about the “off-premise,” or what common folk call “grocery stores.”

Grocery stores or delis are important.  This is the lifeblood of homemade Turkey Sandwiches.  If they’re slinging out shitty Turkey, you’re going to have a shitty Turkey Sandwich.  Simple as that.  Let’s get to it:

Schnuck’s – I grew up with Schnuck’s.  My first job was at a Schnuck’s in Fairview Heights, IL.  I like Schnuck’s.  They have a Smoked Turkey Breast that my Mom still buys every time I visit.  It’s best served with Hot Pepper Cheese and BBQ Sauce.  Turkey Sandwich Report Rating: 91

(By the way, all of you St. Louis people that are asking, “What about Dierberg’s?” here is my answer: I don’t shop at Dierberg’s.  When I lived there, they were a small-time, two-bit operation.  When I visit now, I go to Schnuck’s. Fuck Dierberg’s.)

Delfarm – Unless you’ve spent any amount of time in Cape Girardeau, MO, you don’t know Delfarm.  I went to college in Cape and Delfarm was the ghetto grocery store down by Don’s Store 24, on the way over to the Crackle.  I think people got shot there on a pretty regular basis.  To be honest, my college years are a bit of a blur and I really don’t remember much about Delfarm either.  I just know they had shitty Turkey and that it was actually a National store, but the old people bitched when National bought out the locally owned Delfarm, so National changed the name back to make the old fucks happy.  Turkey Sandwich Report Rating: 79

HEB – For those of you that live in Texas, you know HEB.  Why? Because HEB OWNS Texas.  Everyone shops at HEB unless you’re one of those assholes in Austin that shops at Randall’s.  If you shop at Randall’s, you’re an outcast and not allowed to have air-conditioning.  When it comes to Turkey selection, HEB rocks the casa becuase they carry Boar’s Head deli meats, including one of my favorites – Salsalito.  Turkey Sandwich Report Rating: 93

Albertson’s – Let’s face it: as evidenced by this crazy pricing, Albertson’s blows. Enough said.  Tutkey Sandwich Report Rating: 83
The Price of Turkey at Albertson's

Safeway: Safeway is anomaly. The sandwiches that they make at the deli to-go aren’t bad.  But if you buy some deli Turkey to go, you can count on it being a slimy piece of shit.

King Soopers: In a sea of shitty deli Turkey in Denver, King Sooper’s is your best option.  They have some kind of Rotisserie Turkey that’s pretty good.  It’s not awesome or anything, but it’s the best of the big grocery stores.  Turkey Sandwich Report Rating: 88

Target: Target is the new kid in town.  They’ve just ventured into the grocery and deli game in the past couple of years.  So far, I like what I see.  They have a Cranberry/Orange Turkey Breast that is better than expected.  Their prices are ok too.  Turkey Sandwich Report Rating: 90

Whole Foods: Yeah, we’re going to throw Whole Foods in the mix.  Yes, they are over-priced.  And yes, only tree-huggers shop there.  But, you gotta admit, their Turkey is pretty damn good.  It’s just too bad I’m too embarrassed to shop there.  Turkey Sandwich Report Rating: 9o

There you have it.  What are your favorite grocery stores for buying deli Turkey?

The Great Mustard Hoax

Whole Foods lied to me today.  They LIED to me I say!

I was super excited when I saw a sandwich called “The Glendale” listed on the menu at the Colorado Blvd location.  The Glendale supposedly has peppered turkey, caramelized onions, honey mustard and mixed greens.

Bread Choice: Ciabatta

Cheese? Yes, Provolone.

Toasted? Yes.

Everything went went fine except for one very important thing.  Their mustard was much more of a yellow mustard rather than a honey mustard. Unacceptible.  Or as Mike Singeltary would say, “Can’t have it. Won’t have it.”

Yellow mustard ruins any Turkey Sandwich.  It’s like putting ketchup on steak.  It’s a faux pas.

And here is some proof of the yellowness of the mustard (click the video below).

Yellow Mustard Turkey Sandwich Video

Whole Foods Turkey Sandwich Not Cutting It

I pretty much love everything at Whole Foods.  Big fan of the Whole Foods.  I don’t do my grocery shopping there (I’m not stupid), but their pre-made food is the shit.  Except their sandwiches, which pisses me off to no end.

The Turkey Sandwich they offer at my local Whole Foods (Cherry Creek), is called “The Steamboat”.  It has Turkey, Brie and basil pesto, and it’s just not good enough.  They can do better.

So I got a salad today.  But, being the devoted Turkey connoisseur that I am, I took a few slices of Turkey from the HOT side of the salad bar and added to my salad.  How crafty is that?  You gotta out-smart “The Man” sometimes.

Lunch at Whole Foods

Whole Foods’ Turkey Sandwiches Just Not Meeting My Expectations

Let me start by saying that Whole Foods’ pizza is the shit.  I love that stuff.  So maybe their pizza has set an level of expectation that are so incredibly high, that their sandwiches just can’t get their.  Phil Mickelson isn’t a bad golfer, he just sucks compared to Tiger Woods – that’s all.

I got the Country Club Club from Whole Foods today.  I actually wanted the pizza, but I haven’t had a Turkey Sandwich in a while, so I thought I better eat one, so all you sons of bitches stop whining, “Why hasn’t he reviewed a Turkey Sandwich lately?

There’s just something that is off with their Turkey Sandwiches.  I thought it was me when the last time I was there, I got a TS with Brie and Chipotle mayo.  That wasn’t good, but I thought it was the cheese/spread combo that fucked it up.

Strange thing happened today, the TS tasted pretty much the same as that last piece of crap I had.  So it’s them.  Not me.  In fact, it’s never me.  Always them.  I know Turkey Sandwiches WAY better than them.

I took a picture of this sandwich, but screw it.  I’m not putting it on here.  Not worth my time.