Subway Cheats Like Snarf’s

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I made a big fucking deal out of Snarf’s ripping people off a couple years ago.  I still don’t give those cheating motherfuckers any of my Turkey Sandwich business.

Now, you can add Subway to the list of cheaters.  They’re ripping people out of one inch on their sandwiches too.  Link to story here. 1 inch is a lot.  Would you want to walk away from 1 inch?  I certainly wouldn’t.

Sing it with me: 5 dollar 11 incher!

Pieces of shit.  Both of them.

Snarf’s Update

As you might recall, a few weeks ago, I got a sandwich at Snarf’s here in Denver.  Being the professional Turkey Sandwich Eater that I am, I ordered their “professional” size, which is SUPPOSED to be 12″.  Upon measurement, it was 10.5″.

I contacted Snarfs in hopes of resolving this matter.  Amy McCall from Snarf’s responded to my email. Here’s what she had to say about screwing me out of 1.5″ of sandwich:

All of our stores use long cutting boards with notches marked into them for the sizes as well as our bread being fresh baked and therefore a irregular at times.  I measured all of our sandwich boards and noticed that at both Ogden (Denver store) and our Longmont store that their notches were off.  I had them switch their boards around, remeasure and drew notches on with a magic marker and all of our stores are now on the same page.

Ok, so let me get this straight:

  • Is it the irregular size of the bread that is the problem or the cutting boards?
  • And did the Director of Cutting Board Operations have a faulty ruler when they built these elaborate cutting boards or were they just an idiot?

To complete the rest of the story, Amy from Snarf’s did offer to send me a gift certificate as a ‘thank you’ for bringing this issue to her attention – which was a kind offer.  I accepted and emailed them my address on 9/21/10.  The problem is that today is 10/16/10 and I still haven’t received it.  But that’s alright.  Their sandwiches suck anyway.

Jason Lashes Back at Glenn

I felt that I owed the loyal readers of the Turkey Sandwich Report Jason’s response to Glenn’s claims.

Here’s what he had to say:

Glenn is a total douche bag who has made countless lies to deface my integrity.  I never yelled at anyone, and I was never given more than one shirt.  I was written up once for not wearing a helmet and once for being late.

He also acknowledged that he did not did not work at the Pioneer Square location, but since Glenn owns that location, and there is more foot traffic there, he chose it as his picketing location.
Does that change your vote?

About Those (alleged) Pricks at Jimmy John’s

Ok, so I might have jumped the gun a little bit.  It turns out that Jimmy John’s has quite the different story about Jason and his claims against them.

Here’s what Glenn from Jimmy John’s told me in a phone conversation a little while ago.

  1. Jason didn’t even work at the Jimmy John’s location where he was picketing.
  2. Jason was written up for continually showing up late to work.
  3. Jason was given two shirts: one regular shirt and one “bike shirt”.
  4. Other bike messengers rinse off their “bike shirts” under a sink and let them air dry and it works just fine.
  5. Jason was rude to a customer and told them to get out of the way so he could get his bike through the door.
  6. Jason did indeed smell.

So who do you believe? Vote here:

The Managers at Jimmy John’s are Pricks (allegedly)

Enough of this warm and fuzzy shit.  It’s time for The Turkey Sandwich to start serving up some hard-hitting journalism.  It’s time to start talking about the REAL issues that matter.  Like the shit that going down at Jimmy John’s in Pioneer Square (Seattle).  These are real issues with real people and The Turkey Sandwich isn’t going to just turn away and act like it’s not going on.

When I left the office to find my lunch I hadn’t a care in the world.  But when I got back to the office, I was burdened with the knowledge of real atrocities going on in the world of Sandwich Making.  We would all like to act like this shit isn’t happening.  But it is.

Meet Jason (right) and his knucklehead friend:

Jimmy John's Protest

Jason was done wrong by some asshole manager at Jimmy John’s.  You see, Jason is a bike messenger and he doesn’t make dick for money.  So he took a second job at Jimmy John’s to make a little extra cash.

Apparently the management at Jimmy John’s had a problem with the stench Jason would drag in to the shop when he showed up to work.  “Valid point” you might say, but here’s the deal:  It wasn’t Jason that stunk, it was his work shirt.  And Jimmy John’s only gave him one fucking shirt.  Jason doesn’t live in some swanky house with a washer and dryer.  Jason can’t afford to be going out to do laundry before every shift.  So the shirt stunk.

Jason tells me that he very politely explained his dilemma and requested another shirt from the jerkoffs at Jimmy John’s.  And like the sons of bitches that they are, they rejected his request.

So Jason and his knucklehead friends picket Jimmy John’s and explain his plight to anyone who will lend an ear.  Jason is willing to negotiate.  He’s willing to get his job (with the addition of a couple more work shirts) back or will accept just two months of severance pay.

The Turkey Sandwich Report stands in solidarity with Jason.  We will not be patronizing ANY Jimmy John’s until this situation is rectified.

If any of the douchebags from Jimmy John’s would like to contact me, The Turkey Sandwich Report is ready and willing to mediate this stuation.  I hope we can reach a solution.  It’s in the best interest for all of us.

The Spicy Pickle Boycott Continues

Loyal Turkey Sandwich Report readers might remember that a couple months ago, my co-worker, Josh Mishell waged a formal complaint to the Spicy Pickle. We were excited when they promptly returned the email and invited Josh out to lunch. Of course, when I heard about this, I weaseled my way in.

The lunch was all set up, and then the Spicy Pickle dude vanished. Stopped returning emails and the Power Lunch fell through. Since that time, Josh and I have boycotted the Spicy Pickle and it continues today. Look, they make a nice enough Turkey Sandwich, but they are no Smiling Moose and certainly not in the class of Mendelson’s. Plus, I put them in the same category as Heidi’s, so it’s no skin off my balls to just phase SP out of my life altogether. No big whoop.

An Open-faced Letter to Boston Market

Dear Boston Market:

I like you. Your Turkey is actually decent and like the fact that you have a nice selection of sides. Your sandwiches are a little on the small side for me, but we can get past that. After all, it is how you use the Turkey Sandwich, not how big it is.

But here’s the problem: your restaurants are like fucking morgues. I seriously think that the reason you have to close down another store every other day is because you attract lonely people, who eat by themselves. They go there because it’s quiet and they die a slow roasted death while they read John Grisham books. The retirement home decor and lack of background music doesn’t help either.

I stopped by a couple days ago and 6 out of the 7 people eating in there were by themselves! 6 out of 7! During the “Lunch Rush.” Wouldn’t make sense to go after people who have friends and co-workers and like to eat with them?

Boston Market, help me help you. I want to help you succeed and we can do it together. I have two offers for you:

1. I will give you my highly sought-after Turkey Sandwich marketing advice for the cost of Turkey Sandwiches for a year.

2. You can sponsor The Turkey Sandwich Report. Just think of how far that would go in re-energizing your brand? It would be huge.

Or go it on your own. I could give a shit. We’ve seen how far that can get you and there’s always another Turkey Sandwich out there for me.

Your Pal,

I Don’t (and Won’t) Watch the Food Network

A couple days ago, I got voicemail message from a loyal reader of The Turkey Sandwich Report.  In this message he told me about the Bobby Flay Show and how he was talking to some guys in Louisville about these Turkey Sandwiches called “Browns.”  This guy was really excited about this and wanted me to check this shit out.

Let me be clear: I don’t watch the Food Network, nor do I have any fucking idea what number it is on my cable.  Not in my repertoire.

It’s great that Turkey Sandwiches got some respect on this channel, but I sure as shit ain’t gonna sit thru hours of watching Emeril cook Gnocchi Fondue, Baby Turnip Strumpets or Oven Roasted Chilean Sea Bass on a bed of Jasmine Rice topped with Saffron Creamed Spinach just to see how some fucking clowns in Kentucky make a Turkey Sandwich.  Not happening.

And I know some of you haters out there might be saying, “Well, if this is the Turkey Sandwich Report, shouldn’t you be interested in anything that has to do with Turkey Sandwiches?”

The answer is “No, I do have a life outside of this blog.  I have better things to do than watch the Food Network.  Plus, I’m not gay.”