An Open-faced Letter to Boston Market

Dear Boston Market:

I like you. Your Turkey is actually decent and like the fact that you have a nice selection of sides. Your sandwiches are a little on the small side for me, but we can get past that. After all, it is how you use the Turkey Sandwich, not how big it is.

But here’s the problem: your restaurants are like fucking morgues. I seriously think that the reason you have to close down another store every other day is because you attract lonely people, who eat by themselves. They go there because it’s quiet and they die a slow roasted death while they read John Grisham books. The retirement home decor and lack of background music doesn’t help either.

I stopped by a couple days ago and 6 out of the 7 people eating in there were by themselves! 6 out of 7! During the “Lunch Rush.” Wouldn’t make sense to go after people who have friends and co-workers and like to eat with them?

Boston Market, help me help you. I want to help you succeed and we can do it together. I have two offers for you:

1. I will give you my highly sought-after Turkey Sandwich marketing advice for the cost of Turkey Sandwiches for a year.

2. You can sponsor The Turkey Sandwich Report. Just think of how far that would go in re-energizing your brand? It would be huge.

Or go it on your own. I could give a shit. We’ve seen how far that can get you and there’s always another Turkey Sandwich out there for me.

Your Pal,
Neal

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