I’m a Sucker for Anything Applewood Smoked

I can almost guarantee that if there is something on the menu that features “Applewood Smoked Bacon” on it – I’m getting it.  I am gay for Applewood Smoked Bacon.  Needless to say, I am especially gay for Applewood Smoked Bacon on Turkey Sandwiches.

Imagine my elation when Mrs. Turkey Sandwich brought home Applewood Smoked Turkey from the grocery store today.  This sent shockwaves through the Turkey Sandwich Report home offices.

And holy shit – it definitely lived up to the hype.  Damn good Turkey.  I have eaten two Turkey Sandwiches since she got home at 5:30 – and it’s 8:46 right now.

I normally make some kind of soup on NFC/AFC Championship Sunday (a tradition I started when I lived with Big Daddy Nick Farrel), but that might come to an end tomorrow.  I am gay for Applewood Smoked Turkey Sandwiches.

Honeybaked Ham (Turkey)

I’m a big fan of the Honey Baked Ham Turkey – specifically the smoked Turkey.  I’ve literally been munching on this stuff since Christmas.

It’s a big tradition here at TSR HQ for us to get one of these big Honeybake Ham Rotisserie Turkeys and eat it for Christmas Dinner.  This year as an added bonus, I went ahead snagged a quarter ham too – so it’s been Club Sandwich mania here for the last 6 days.  And that’s not a bad thing.

But I noticed today that when my hunger consumes me, I really slack on how much effort I put in to preparing the Turkey Sandwich.  I’m just too hungry to spend any time on building a quality sandwich.

This happened today.   I hurriedly toasted the bread and took the first cheese I found and slapped the bread, cheese and Turkey together.  This didn’t work out so well because the cheese was actually a cheese stick.  I tried to slice it so that it could go on the sandwich a little better, but I just got frustrated and threw a cheese stick on there and dealt with it.

Cheese can be a slippery slope

I have recently started putting TWO slices of Provelone on my Turkey Sandwiches to give it a little extra “oomph”. This scares me. First one slice, then two. In six months will I be up to three or four?

Where will this stop?


That stands for “May I admit my insanity”. I learned that from a friend of mine. I want to say it was John Gilson, but I’m not sure.

I am here today to admit my insanity. The insanity of buying processed turkey from the grocery store Deli. I have made too many mistakes in my time and I want you to learn from them.

For example, just last week, I was at King Pooper’s (grocery store here in Denver) and wanted to buy some Turkey. They were out of a lot of stuff, so I went with some kind of Maple Turkey bullshit. I was extremely cautious about this purchase and even asked for a sample before I bought it. I tasted it, and knew that it was processed Turkey and STILL bought a pound of it. Did I get get caught up in the heat of the moment? Did I feel bad for the Deli Guy and not want to change my mind after he was nice enough to cut a sample slice for me? I honestly don’t know.

Fast forward to last night. I go back to the same store and they have the Rotisserie Turkey available. I was on this like a bum on a bologna sandwich. I get home, bust out a nice Turkey and Swiss and enjoy. This is the real shit.

I challenge you to stop your own insanity. I have come to grips with, admitted and stopped mine. From now on, I buy the Rotisserie Turkey or don’t buy any at all.

Rotisserie Turkey:
Rotisserie Turkey

I Like Soup.

I enjoy soup.  I like eating soup.  I like cooking soup. I like watching famous people eat soup.  Try this on for size: I have seen a few Bob Eubanks, (of The Newlywed Game fame) eat a bowl of soup.  I’ve also seen Brett Hull eat a bowl of chili. 

I like the “Soup and Sandwich Combo”.  Panera Bread (or as people from The Lou call it, St. Louis Bread Company”) does a nice job with their “Pick Two” deal.  You get your choice of soup, sand, salad.  I’m a soup and sand guy – and proud of it.

No surprise here, but I especially enjoy soup with Soupa Turkey Sandwich.  And I’m pretty flexble on the combination.  Turkey and Provelone with Baked Potato Soup?  Fine.  Turkey Rueben with Chicken Noodle?  Sounds fine to me.  Grilled Cheese (with Turkey, of course) and Chili?  Fucking bring it on.  As long as I can dip my sandwich in the soup, I’m good.   

But don’t give me any soup with fucking fish in it.  Lobster bisque and Clam Chowder are nasty.  I wish that I liked Clam Chowder – mostly because I like the word “chowder”.  Until I know what clams look like, I’ll stick to the Tortilla Soup from Sweet Tomatoes.

Let Me Tell You Something About Bread and Cheese

Sure, the Turkey is an important element of the Turkey Sandwich.  But two things that should not be discounted or over-looked are BREAD and CHEESE.  I’m a big fan of both and I wanted to share a few rules of Bread and Cheese as they relate to Turkey Sandwiches.

RULE #1 – The cheese always needs to be between two slices of Turkey.  The cheese should not be touching the bread unless the corner of the slice is sticking out or that it has melted and spiller over.  The meat and cheese need to practically be dry-humping each other…and we all know that can’t happen if there is a slice of lettuce in the way. 

RULE #2 – All bread must be toasted, unless it is a hoagie roll, ciabatta or a bun.  I haven’t talked about toasting too much on TTR, but it is extremely important if you are eating sliced bread.  Untoasted bread just gets too flimsy and I hate it when my fingerprints indent the bread.  You gotta toast that shit.

RULE #3 – Microwaving toasted bread is a good way to fuck up a Turkey Sandwich.  Don’t be a  greedy little bitch and think that you can do both.  You can’t.  Toast your bread and move on.

RULE #4- You should never shake a baby and you should never use American Cheese on a Turkey Sandwich.  American Cheese blows.  I recommend Provolone, Cheddar, Swiss (only with Rye) or Hot Pepper Cheese.  

RULE #5 – Always cut the Turkey Sandwich into two triangles.  Cutting straight across is for losers.  Triangles are cool and it makes for a nice presentation when you put the chips in the middle, in-between the two sides of the sandwich.

BTW, if you should ever happen to have the unfortunate luck of running out of Turkey, may I recommend a delicacy that my Mom seemingly invented.  All you need to do is toast some bread (any sliced bread will do) and spread some Cheeze Whiz on it.  Make every attempt to spread the Cheeze Whiz on the bread as soon as you get it out of the toaster so it melts and soaks into the bread a bit.  That’s it. 

I don’t know why, but my Mom calls this “Cheeze Whiz on Toast”.  Enjoy.

Is a “Wrap” a Sandwich? I’ll Be the One That Decides That.

I had a Turkey/Bacon Wrap today.  It was filed under “Sandwiches” on the menu.  WTF?

Since when did a “wrap” become a sandwich?  Who gave their blessing for a couple of cold cuts and a slice of provelone in tortilla to become a meal?  I certainly didn’t. 

And who made the decision that wraps automatically constitute a healthy meal?  Look, I lived in Mexico (a.k.a. San Antonio, TX) for over five years and I know damn well that tortillas are made out of lard.  So don’t give me this fucking bullshit that wraps are healthy.  Healthy compared to a half dozen doughnuts, maybe.  Compared to an old-fashioned sandwich?  No.  And besides that, you look like a total wad eating one.

And here’s my other gripe.  I’m fucking sick of the ridiculous-ass names that these wrap joints come up with.  “That’s a Wrap!” and “Wrap it Up!” or “Wrap Zone”.  Lame, lame and lame.  If I see another place called “Wrap and Roll,” I’m going to punch someone.

So let me tell you, dear reader of the The Turkey Sandwich Report – I categorically say “NO, wraps are not sandwiches.  And don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.  Anyone that does is a MO.”


MOTHERFUCKER! I forgot my Turkey Sandwich.

Fuck.  I forgot my fucking Lunch at home this morning.  Nothing is more frustrating than leaving your Lunch at home.  Especially when you prepare a super sweet Turkey Sandwich for a nice brown bag lunch.

I realize that I have only reviewed sandwiches from restaurants on this blog so far.  But don’t get me wrong.  I’m not one of those pussies that only eats “take out”.  I actually have some skillz in the kitchen and I have been known to bust out a Turkey Sandwich creation of my own from time to time.  When I do make my own sandwich, I like it with REAL turkey, not that processed shit.  Right now I’m diggin the rotisserie shit they have at the deli at King Soopers. 

Cheese is mandatory.  I despise American Cheese, so I normally go with a nice Swiss, Provelone, or a Sharp Cheddar.  Occasionally, I get in the mood for real cheese product and I’ll go with Cheeze Whiz.  I also insist that the slice of cheese is INBETWEEN two slices of Turkey (not touching the bread).

Most of you know, I’ve always said that the bread can make or break a Turkey Sandwich.  For me, I go in bread phases.  In high school and college, I was a hoagie roll kind of guy.  Then, when I got out on my own, I really got in to ryes.  After a short fling with potato breads, I have settled on whole wheat.  Occasionally, I do fuck around with ciabattas and foccacias.

Condiments? You know I’m not big into mayo.  Most of the time, I go with some BBQ sauce, but lately I’ve been dipping the sandwich in little cucumber ranch dressing just for the fuck of it.