An Open-faced Letter to Boston Market

Dear Boston Market:

I like you. Your Turkey is actually decent and like the fact that you have a nice selection of sides. Your sandwiches are a little on the small side for me, but we can get past that. After all, it is how you use the Turkey Sandwich, not how big it is.

But here’s the problem: your restaurants are like fucking morgues. I seriously think that the reason you have to close down another store every other day is because you attract lonely people, who eat by themselves. They go there because it’s quiet and they die a slow roasted death while they read John Grisham books. The retirement home decor and lack of background music doesn’t help either.

I stopped by a couple days ago and 6 out of the 7 people eating in there were by themselves! 6 out of 7! During the “Lunch Rush.” Wouldn’t make sense to go after people who have friends and co-workers and like to eat with them?

Boston Market, help me help you. I want to help you succeed and we can do it together. I have two offers for you:

1. I will give you my highly sought-after Turkey Sandwich marketing advice for the cost of Turkey Sandwiches for a year.

2. You can sponsor The Turkey Sandwich Report. Just think of how far that would go in re-energizing your brand? It would be huge.

Or go it on your own. I could give a shit. We’ve seen how far that can get you and there’s always another Turkey Sandwich out there for me.

Your Pal,

3 thoughts on “An Open-faced Letter to Boston Market

  1. I deplore you to no longer patronize THE Boston Market for Turkey Sandwiches, you are in great perile if you continue. I recently ordered the yumee Turkey Sandwich at BM, it was served to me with spare change and chicken bones on it. I was hospitalized for two weeks, and needed a spleen transplant. You have been warned!

  2. I deplore you to no longer patronize Charles Schwab investment advisors. Just Etrade you own shit.

    You could just get you one of them free checking accounts that alot of banks offer.

    Or better yet, just ask Lenny Dykstra for some goddam advice.

  3. I am trying to post the Lenny Dykstra clip…it is only partial of the full one that they ran on HBO…this does not have nearly as much of the sweet cussing that Lenny does in the full clip, but its just a taste..

    hopefully by using the youtube…

    “I’m playing for real money…REAL MONEY!”

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