I made a big fucking deal out of Snarf’s ripping people off a couple years ago.  I still don’t give those cheating motherfuckers any of my Turkey Sandwich business.

Now, you can add Subway to the list of cheaters.  They’re ripping people out of one inch on their sandwiches too.  Link to story here. 1 inch is a lot.  Would you want to walk away from 1 inch?  I certainly wouldn’t.

Sing it with me: 5 dollar 11 incher!

Pieces of shit.  Both of them.

This year, I really challenged myself.  I asked Mrs. Turkey Sandwich to pick out the ingredients and then I would work my magic from there – just like the show Chopped.  Let me say this with all sincerity and seriousness.  The sandwich that I created in this video was incredible.  Make this sandwich now.

Let’s roll the tape:

I’m a big fan of the show Diners, Drive-ins and Dives (Triple D).  In fact, I’ve started searching out places where the host Guy Fieri has visited.  Yea, pretty nerdy, I know.  Whatever.  I take my food pretty serious.

Tomorrow is my birthday, so when Mrs. Turkey Sandwich asked me where I wanted to go for my birthday dinner, I checked the innerettes to see if there was a place in Denver that has been featured on  ”Triple D” that I have not been to yet.

There was.  It’s called The Bagel Deli and it’s a couple miles from my house.  It’s a Jewish Deli and with that, my decision was made.

Typically when I visit one of the places featured on Triple D, I order what Guy ate on the show.  Since I was celebrating MY birthday, I was considering the Pastrami and Turkey Sandwich.  Before I made the commitment, I asked the waitress if the Turkey was real.  I had reason to believe it was because the menu prominently said “as authentic as it gets” but I stil wanted a confirmation.  Her response was “well, yeah, they slice it”.  That wasn’t really the response I was looking for, but the waitress made me kind of nervous and I could tell she wanted me to hurry up and make a decision.

The final assessment: no it’s not real Turkey.  It’s processed.  The Pastrami was strong, but the Turkey was weak.  Bagel Deli: I think you might be stretching the truth by saying “authentic as it gets” – at least when it comes to Turkey Sandwiches.

I ordered a Turkey Sandwich on Rye and made it extremely clear that I wanted DELI mustard.  I bring the sandwich home and find out that they squirt a bunch of yellow fucking mustard on there.  Thanks.  Sandwich ruined.

After I scraped off the yellow mustard, I notice the lettuce was on its last leg.

Don’t go to this place.  I don’t have another recommendation for a Turkey Sandwich in the Gold Coast neighborhood (Subway is the only other choice), so I would suggest just skipping the meal.

Just to be fair and balanced, maybe they know how to make an incredible Pastrami or Corned Beef sandwich – but I doubt it.

Yes, I have been on a GLUTEN FREE diet.

For obvious reasons, a gluten free diet and Turkey Sandwiches don’t exactly jive with each other.  Some have recommended maintaining the Turkey Sandwich Report with sandwiches that don’t include bread.  Don’t worry, I’m not going to fucking insult my loyal readers with that kind of bullshit.  I’m either going all the way with this thing or I’m gonna hang it up altogether.

Another thing that goes with managing the world’s most popular Turkey Sandwich blog is that people constantly recommend sandwiches.  The last several weeks have been especially difficult because I have been in Chicago most of the time, which means I’me exposed to a completely new world of Turkey Sandwiches.  My friend Amber is also a Turkey Sandwich connoisseur and was talking a big game about this place called “Hannah’s Bretzel” where they put their sandwiches on pretzel bread.

Earlier this week, I had a long day of work and I was weak.  I was extremely hungry, knew I had absolutely no food at the apartment and just happened to be on the same street as Hannah Bretzel.  Amber’s glowing review of their sandwiches kept ringing in my head.

I’m a weak man.  Like a Turkey Sandwich zombie, I walked in and ordered the Thanksgiving Turkey Sandwich.  Yea, I could have got that sandwich on gluten free bread.  But I didn’t.  I went whole wheat.       Which didn’t make much sense because if I was going to throw everything out the window, I should have got that pretzel bread.  I’ll chalk that up to not thinking straight.

The sandwich was glorious.  The Turkey was great, the cheese (Brie) was awesome and they gave me the perfect amount of cranberry sauce.  Best of all, they don’t fuck the whole thing up with mayo.

And I’ll be honest.  This sandwich has led to others – which you’ll be hearing about soon.

After a meeting this week, he pulled me aside and said, “Did you get my comment on your blog?”  I said, “no.”  ”Well, I left one and I think you really screwed the pooch on this one.  You call yourself a marketer and you give us these boring-ass, no theme Turkey Sandwiches to choose from?  I think it’s bullshit.  And on top of that, you never even mentioned in your post about Perry’s Deli.  I bought you that sandwich and that’s what I get?  Poor form, Stewart, poor form.”

He went on to point out that I could have had a New York Deli-style sandwich where I pile a shitload of Turkey on Rye.  Or I could have done a Turkey Sandwich with some roast beef bullshit like they do in Boston.  Or I could have done something with an Indianapolis theme – not that I even know what that could be – but he thought that would be a good idea.

The fact of the matter is that this is MY BLOG and I can do whatever the hell I want.  When it comes to Turkey Sandwiches, I don’t have to bow to some dude just because he has a couple letters before his name.  I’m the CEO of this bitch and can do whatever I want.

But I am gonna call this whole thing off because you people don’t know what you’re talking about.  The Philly Turkey Sandwich ran away with the voting and I don’t want to make that sandwich.  I’m gonna make that Queso Smothered Turkey Sandwich…Remember?  I’m CEO.

Anyway, Cheeba Hut has invaded Denver.  Actually they probably invaded Denver about a year ago, but I don’t go downtown too much, so I hadn’t ever been to their new location until today.  I have to get my blood checked every 6 months for high cholesterol issues and it is my tradition to absolutely gorge myself after getting my blood drawn.  Since I was off work today, I decided to head downtown and see what Cheeba Hut was smokin.

I went with a “pinner” sized Afghani: Turkey, jalapenos and pepper jack cheese.  I also added their house sauce, which is a parmesan/oregano vinaigrette.  I’ll say this: it was better than the last sandwich I had there.  I’m not gonna put it in the Turkey Top 10 or anything, but it was solid.

Other than of course the names of their sandwiches, the best thing about Cheeba Hut is the fact that they have Kool-aid on tap.  Not really on tap like beer, but you get my point.  Stoners love them some Kool-aid.

A big congratulations to (drumroll) Big Ass Sandwiches of Portland, OR – the winners of the 1st Annual Turkey Sandwich Report Sandwich Shop of the Year!  The next time I’m in Portland, I’ll be by for The Big Ass Sandwich.  Or you can mail me one.  I don’t give a shit if it spent a couple days in a box.  I’ll eat that motherfucker.

So what can you do to take that boring ass ham sandwich to the next level?

The short answer is: Add Turkey.

The long answer is: buy a little Turkey and and bacon before Christmas.  Hide the Turkey  and don’t tell anyone you have it.  Once Christmas is over and everyone is resorting to a ham sandwich with yellow mustard, you discreetly bust out your Turkey and bacon.  Add to your ham sandwich and boom, you have a CLUB Sandwich.

Be warned, the vultures will come after your Turkey. It’s up to you as whether  you share or not.  Personally, I don’t, but that’s me.

The even longer answer is my Club Sandwich recipe:

• King’s Hawaiian Rolls
• Add a few slices of ham (I recommend Honeybaked Ham)
• Add Turkey
• Add Bacon
• Sharp Provolone Cheese
• Spread some French Onion Dip on the bread
• Stack it high
• Eat